Oil money, eh? What a pisser. Since 2003, Roman’s roubles have helped lure a top four finish back to his place for some Huey Lewis and surgical butchering, while elsewhere Manchester City recently donned a pair of Versace daps and little else to chase down another with a chainsaw, having been sold to a group of mega bastards with wallets as green as Kermit’s arse. Suddenly, third and fourth place – league positions previously described by football fans everywhere as “shite” and sometimes even “utter shite” – are filled quicker than Buffalo Bill’s fat bird wank sock, and qualification for the Champions League has become a trophy by any other name; one with extra Ruud Gullit and arousing intro music.
Of course, the now annual inclusion of Chelsea and City in Europe’s most prestigious club tournament was somewhat facilitated by our own profligate spunking of every single penny in the coffers, mostly on Championship level shitpiss. That, and a miserable period of being owned, run, and managed by liars, dickheads, and owls with about as much sense as a pair of pickled fucking shoes.
The summer of 2009 was where it all started to go a bit shite. Xabi Alonso decided he’d finally had enough of the sword of Damocles hanging over him, particularly if it was held by some plodding duffer at Aston Villa. He joined Real Madrid and was replaced by Alberto Aquilani, whose time at the club would end up as fondly remembered as a dose of knob rot. In the years that followed, top class such as Hyypia, Arbeloa, Torres, Mascherano, and Dirk Kuyt would be replaced by colossal gash such as Poulsen, Konchesky, Downing, Cole, and Charlie Adam. Factor in one of the worst managerial appointments since Mola Ram was hired to improve slave morale at the Kali Temple, and you sort of begin to understand how Liverpool fell away so quickly.
“Fuck the top four, I’d rather get to a cup final!”
– A dickhead
But we could (and have) piss and moan about that forever. It won’t change the fact that the top four, and with it qualification for a competition the club used to practically own, seems further away than ever. “Two or three” available places have quickly become “just the one”, and then there’s the additional caveat that fourth place is very much this current squad’s bulletproof glass ceiling, with Steven Seagal led on top. With a cake. Our one saving grace is that the competition doesn’t appear to be in the greatest shape either. Aside from the aforementioned oil-rich billionaires (who I personally believe will fight out the top two places this season) there hasn’t been an awful lot of movement going on elsewhere. Certainly not to the sort of levels we’re used to seeing and, in response, collectively shitting our pants at. Even if Spurs have been spending well, their prized asset could yet fuck off abroad before the window “slams shut”, hopefully in Jim White’s stupid face.
So, with that in mind, here’s a rundown of the summer activity at the main contenders for this season’s ‘Fourth Place Trophy’, along with a ‘wanted’ list of players they may yet sign before this is all over. Remember, if you see your club here, I hate you all it’s just a bit of fun.
Arsenal
As is now tradition, Arsene Wenger went into the summer transfer window with his bollocks swinging below his massive coat like a sort of fleshy Hellraiser inspired Newton’s Cradle, going “Look ‘ow big zey are!” to anyone stupid enough to listen. For the 46th year running, Arsenal spoke of how much money they had again, how they could compete with the best again, and how they’d be in for some big name signings again. And, unless Yaya Sanogo writes with a giant magic marker, they also failed to deliver again. But even without Suarez, Higuain, Rooney, Fabregas, Bernard, Gustavo, Fellaini, Jovetic, and the other four verses of ‘We Didn’t Start The Fire’, Arsenal fans should be fairly confident of being right up there at the end, especially with fit again pug-faced actual demon, Jack Wilshere, ready from the off this year. Giroud, Cazorla, and Podolski all have a full season behind them and I’d imagine the talented Gnabry should gnet a few more gnames here and there as well.
In: Yaya Sanogo (Free)
Out: Gervinho (£8m), Vito Mannone (£2m), Andrei Arshavin (Free), Marouane Chamakh (Free), Denilson (Free), André Santos (Free).
Wanted: Suarez, Michu, a new manager. Jesus, just fucking anyone.
Spurs
Everyone fully expected this summer to be one of “Will he or won’t he?” arsing about, and in the end that’s exactly what we had. It seemed as though it would drag on forever at one point, and then finally, last week, Tom Huddlestone stopped eating long enough to make his career-ending move to the Hull City Detroit Tigers. And Spurs really won’t miss him one bit, seeing as they’ve gone out and bought every single midfielder from here to Deep Space fucking Nine. Well… ok then, just Paulinho, Capoue, and Chadli, but three solid additions to an already decent midfield setup, regardless. Oddly, Spurs also broke the habit of a lifetime and bought someone who can score goals, with the prolific Soldado coming in up front for a club record fee of £26m. They look strong all over the pitch, and they could have a run at a title challenge if they can fight off Madrid for Bale until September. However, I’d be surprised if they’ve spent close to £60m (and are looking to spend more) without knowing he’s as good as gone, unless they’re already pissing away the money earned from people ‘copying’ his now dickheadishly trademarked goal celebration.
In: Roberto Soldado (£26m), Paulinho (£17m), Étienne Capoue (£9.5m), Nacer Chadli (£7m).
Out: Steven Caulker (£8m), Clint Dempsey (£6m), Tom Huddlestone (£5m), William Galas (Free), David Bentley (Free).
Wanted: Anyone Liverpool are trying to get.
“Why the fuck aren’t we signing world class players?”
– A dickhead, months later
Man Utd
Yep, I’ve just gone and put Man Utd in a race for the top four. Well, top three actually – top four just seems like a pisstake. At this point you’re probably thinking I’ve done this because: A) I’m a Liverpool fan, or B) I’m on glue. But it’s neither of those things. Ok, so it’s maybe 20% of the first one, and I do have a Pritt Stick here that I’m pretty fond of, but the truth is it’s hard enough imagining David Moyes leading a fucking dog to its own arse, let alone any club to a league title. I could end up being wrong, of course. Perhaps next May will indeed bring about the End of Days after all, and David Moyes will sit at the head of all tables just as foretold. But in the short term I just can’t see him having enough influence over referees over the FA over other managers at smaller clubs on the team to make them as mentally tough as they were.
The mancs seem to revel in sporadic ambition. Again this summer, after believing they’d be in for Baines, Fellaini, even Bale, they’ve actually just brought in a single solitary back up in young Guillermo Varela. A player who presumably agreed to the move a while ago only to arrive at the club this summer and think to himself, “Fucking hell, the bloke who signed me’s at Death’s door”, or whatever the equivalent South American saying is when you see someone who looks like David Moyes and not the enormous swell of purple flesh you met with previously. There’s still plenty of time for them to add to the squad, obviously, and when you’re as big a draw as they are it probably doesn’t matter too much if your manager has amassed fewer trophies than a paraplegic Predator with asthma.
In: Guillermo Varela (£1.5m)
Out: Paul Scholes (Retired), Bebé (Pointless).
Wanted: Fabregas, Ozil, Fellaini, Baines, Leon Osmahahahaaaa.
Liverpool
So then, what to make of this summer? Well, if you’re FSG the answer to that seems to be “a profit”, seeing as the club has currently spent a net total of fuck all, have made more cuts to the wage bill, and (if you believe what they say) are holding enough funds in reserve to bankroll the next Euromillions rollover. We’ve been after several big names. Literally. Henrikh Mkhitaryan, Kyriakos Papadopoulos, Balázs Dzsudzsák, and Toby Alderweireld. We’ve signed none of them. This has presumably delighted our owners, as it proves we’re still bang on track for following the Arsenal model. Conversely, it’s left David Pleat devastated, as he’d just spent weeks learning how to pronounce “McTaran”, “Palapopydis”, “Balls Sack”, and “Toby”.
The business we have done has looked decent. Aspas and Alberto both look more than capable of chipping in this season – particularly the former, who finished preseason with 4 goals, 4 assists, and about 4 stone in a kids size kit. Carroll and Downing have both finally gone out, having had to stay in most nights while here. And with Carragher at Sky and Pepe being allowed to go and win things, we’ve looked to the experienced Kolo Toure to come in and be the voice at the back. A lesser writer would make some utterly shite joke right now about ‘Will.i.an’ coming in to be ‘The Voice’ further up the pitch, but not me.
Luis has resumed training with the squad after seemingly apologising for thinking Arsene Wenger would step out of his sleeping bag long enough to spend any real money on him, so perhaps he’ll end up staying after all. Maybe he saw my piece from last week and realised just how much sympathy there is for his position? But whatever happens between now and next May, it’s sure to be a lot of fun. Unless it isn’t, and it’s actually really really fucking depressing. And we finish a mile off. And Coutinho leaves. Because we’re a mile off.
In: Simon Mignolet (£9m), Iago Aspas (£7m), Luis Alberto (£7m), Kolo Toure (Free).
Out: Andy Carroll (£15.5m), Jonjo Shelvey (£5m), Stewart Downing (£5m), Jay Spearing (£1.5m), Jamie Carragher (Retired), Pepe Reina (Loan), Suso (Loan).
Wanted: Willian (but more likely Ben Arfa), Papadopoulos (but more likely Williams), Cissokho.
And that’s that. To be honest, I’m pretty gutted I wasn’t able to start this piece with something clever about Huey Lewis & The News. Simply because of the link with the image I’ve used up there, obviously, not because I’m losing it or anything. I really tried, but nothing seemed to fit, apart from this:
“Don’t need no credit card to ride this train”
– Huey Lewis, talking utter bollocks
Anyway, I have to return some video tapes.